I’ve always thought of love as a spark—those butterflies when my partner walks into the room or the warmth of a friend’s laughter. But the more I’ve lived and loved, the more I realize love isn’t just something that happens to us; it’s something we do. It’s in the late-night talks when I listen to my partner’s dreams, or the moments I show up for a friend, even when I’m tired. A philosopher’s take on love as a practice, not just a feeling or a choice, has reshaped how I see it. Let’s explore what it means to love as an active, intentional practice, how it deepens our connections, and why it gives you more control over love than you might think.
Love Beyond the Butterflies
When I first fell for my partner, it felt like a whirlwind—my heart raced, and every moment together was electric. Science tells us this is our brain at work, with chemicals like dopamine and norepinephrine creating that rush, like savoring a perfect piece of chocolate. But is that all love is? I’ve had moments when those feelings faded, yet my love grew stronger through shared challenges and quiet support. Ancient philosophers like Plato and Aristotle saw love as more than a fleeting spark. They believed it’s about building bonds that help us grow into our best selves, not just chasing pleasure.
Plato suggested love starts with attraction but becomes a lifelong commitment to support each other’s growth. I think of my friend Mia, who’s been with her partner for years. Their love isn’t just about the early days of infatuation; it’s in how they push each other to chase dreams, from starting a business to running a marathon. Aristotle took it further, saying the best relationships are built on shared virtues, like kindness and respect, not just fleeting feelings. This resonates with me—love feels richest when it’s about building something lasting, not just riding the wave of a crush.
Love as a Skill You Practice
Thinking of love as a practice flipped a switch for me. It’s not just something I feel; it’s something I do, like learning to play the piano or cooking a new recipe. Philosopher Erich Fromm calls this “standing in love,” a skill that requires patience, focus, and discipline. I’ve seen this in my own life. When my partner and I argue, it’s not the heat of the moment that resolves things—it’s choosing to listen, to be present, to say, “I hear you.” Those acts of love, small as they seem, build a bond stronger than any fleeting emotion.
I remember a time when a close friend was struggling, and I was tempted to pull back—it was easier to avoid the heaviness. But choosing to show up, to listen without judgment, deepened our friendship in ways I didn’t expect. Love as a practice means showing up consistently, whether it’s for a partner, a friend, or even yourself. It’s about actions like checking in, offering a kind word, or simply being there, even when it’s hard. These choices weave love into something enduring, far beyond the whims of feelings.
Celebrating Individuality in Love
One of the most beautiful parts of love as a practice is how it celebrates who someone truly is. Philosopher J. David Velleman describes love as a way of paying attention to a person’s unique “I am I”—their quirks, dreams, and essence. I see this with my partner, who loves my goofy side, even when I’m dancing terribly in the kitchen. Loving him means celebrating his quiet strength, the way he thinks deeply before speaking. It’s not about what he does for me, but who he is.
This idea hit home when I reflected on my friendships. My best friend and I don’t always agree, but I love her for her fierce independence and her ability to make me laugh until I cry. Practicing love means noticing and honoring these qualities, not trying to change her. It’s a choice to see the beauty in someone’s individuality and support them as they grow, whether they’re a partner, a friend, or even a family member.
Love as a Values-Driven Practice
Love isn’t just about actions—it’s about the values behind them. Philosopher Virginia Held explains that practicing love is different from just doing tasks, like a teacher who explains a math problem with care versus one who just goes through the motions. In love, this means acting with empathy, respect, and vulnerability. I’ve learned this in my relationship: when I apologize after a disagreement, it’s not just saying “sorry”—it’s showing I value our connection enough to be honest and open.
This values-driven approach makes love resilient. When I moved to a new city, I worried my friendships would fade. But by choosing to stay connected—through calls, letters, or just sharing memes—we kept our love alive. It wasn’t about feelings alone; it was about practicing care and presence, even across distance. This gives you control over love in a way feelings don’t. You can’t force butterflies, but you can choose to show up, to listen, to celebrate someone’s unique light.
How to Practice Love in Your Life
Seeing love as a practice opens up new ways to nurture it. Here are a few ways to bring this into your relationships:
- Be present. Put down your phone and really listen when someone’s sharing their heart. It’s a small act that builds big trust.
- Celebrate their uniqueness. Notice what makes your loved ones special—their quirks, passions, or dreams—and show you value them.
- Act with intention. Choose actions that reflect love’s values, like empathy or honesty, even when it’s challenging.
- Practice self-love, too. Show yourself the same care you give others, whether it’s taking a quiet moment or forgiving a mistake.
These steps have helped me make love a daily practice, not just a fleeting moment. They’re reminders that love is something you build, one choice at a time.
A Love You Choose Every Day
Love is so much more than a feeling that sweeps you off your feet or a choice you make once and forget. It’s a practice—a beautiful, intentional way of showing up for the people you care about, including yourself. I think of the moments when love feels most real to me: cooking dinner with my partner, laughing with a friend, or taking a moment to be kind to myself on a tough day. These are the threads that weave love into something lasting.
So, take a moment to reflect. How do you practice love in your life? Is it through a kind word, a listening ear, or celebrating someone for who they are? This Valentine’s Day, or any day, choose to love with intention. Build bonds that endure, not because of fleeting feelings, but because you’ve chosen to show up, heart open, ready to grow together. That’s the kind of love that lasts.
