Love is a kaleidoscope of emotions, thoughts, and experiences, each one unique to the person feeling it. I’ve felt this in my own life—those moments when my heart races for my partner, the quiet comfort of a friend’s presence, or even the joy of losing myself in a passion project. We all express and experience love differently, and that’s what makes it so beautiful. Inspired by the ancient Greeks and sociologist John Alan Lee, the idea of six love styles offers a lens to understand how you love. Are you swept away by romance, grounded in companionship, or driven by practicality? Let’s explore these styles, reflect on how they show up in our lives, and help you discover which one resonates with your heart—because knowing your love style can deepen your connections and guide you toward more fulfilling relationships.
The Six Love Styles: A Map of the Heart
John Alan Lee proposed six broad styles of love, each capturing a different way we approach relationships. These aren’t rigid boxes—you might lean toward one but still see bits of others in yourself. I’ve noticed this in my own journey: my love for my partner has shifted over time, blending fiery passion with steady companionship. As you read through these styles, think about the moments that make your heart feel full. Which one feels like home?
Eros: The Romantic Fire
Eros is the love of fairy tales, all-consuming and electric. If you’re an Eros lover, you’re drawn to intense, immediate attraction—think love at first sight, where physical and emotional chemistry pull you in like a magnet. I remember meeting my partner and feeling that spark, like the world faded away when he smiled. Eros lovers thrive on the thrill of new love, often diving headfirst into relationships and cherishing the rush of connection.
But here’s the flip side: Eros lovers can chase the high of falling in love, moving on when the spark fades. I’ve seen friends who embody this style, hopping from one passionate romance to another, always seeking that initial magic. If this sounds like you, embrace the intensity, but consider how you might nurture love beyond the honeymoon phase. Can you find joy in the quieter moments, too?
Storge: The Steady Flame
Storge is the love of deep friendship, where trust and companionship reign supreme. If you’re a Storge lover, you value psychological closeness, and your relationships often grow slowly, like a seed blossoming into a sturdy tree. I’ve felt this with my best friend—we started as casual acquaintances, but over years of shared laughter and support, our bond became unbreakable. Storge lovers are in it for the long haul, cherishing stability over fleeting passion.
This style reminds me of my parents, who’ve built a life together on mutual respect and quiet moments, like reading side by side. If Storge resonates with you, you likely find comfort in routine and loyalty. The challenge? Making sure the spark doesn’t dim entirely—small gestures, like a surprise date night, can keep the connection vibrant.
Ludus: The Playful Dance
Ludus lovers see love as a game, full of fun and strategy. If this is your style, you enjoy the chase, flirting, and keeping things light. I’ve had moments of Ludus in my life, like playful banter with a crush that felt like a dance—exciting but not too serious. Ludic lovers are comfortable with casual connections and might prioritize physical attraction over deep commitment.
A friend of mine embodies Ludus, always juggling multiple dates and thriving on the excitement of new possibilities. But this approach can leave partners wanting more depth. If you lean Ludic, try balancing the fun with moments of vulnerability. Letting someone in, even a little, can make the game more rewarding.
Pragma: The Thoughtful Blueprint
Pragma lovers approach love with logic and intention, seeking partners who align with their goals and values. If this is you, you might ask: Will this person fit into my life? Are they reliable, compatible with my family, or good with money? I’ve seen this in my cousin, who carefully considered her partner’s shared vision for a stable future before committing. Pragmatic love isn’t cold—it’s about building a partnership that works.
I’ve had Pragmatic moments, too, like when I realized my partner’s calm demeanor balanced my tendency to overthink. If Pragma speaks to you, you value security, but don’t forget to let emotions guide you sometimes. A touch of spontaneity can keep your practical love from feeling too calculated.
Mania: The Emotional Rollercoaster
Mania is intense, obsessive love, marked by emotional highs and lows. If you’re a Mania lover, you crave constant reassurance and might feel elated one moment and anxious the next, depending on your partner’s attention. I’ve felt this in my younger years, agonizing over whether a crush liked me back, my heart soaring with every text and sinking with every silence. Mania lovers often wrestle with jealousy or dependency, which can strain relationships.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone—many of us have been there. The key is finding balance: try journaling your feelings or talking openly with your partner. Channeling that intensity into trust can transform Mania into a passionate, but steadier, love.
Agape: The Selfless Embrace
Agape is unconditional, giving love, focused on your partner’s happiness without expecting anything in return. If you’re an Agape lover, you show care through selfless acts, like cooking a meal after their tough day or listening without judgment. I’ve felt this with my partner when I’ve put his needs first, not because I had to, but because seeing him happy fills my heart. Agape lovers often report high relationship satisfaction, as their generosity fosters deep bonds.
My friend Sarah embodies Agape, always going out of her way to support her loved ones, from small gestures to grand sacrifices. If this is you, your love is a gift, but remember to care for yourself, too. A balanced Agape love strengthens both you and your relationships.
Your Love Style, Your Journey
So, which love style feels most like you? Maybe you’re an Eros romantic, swept away by passion, or a Storge soul, cherishing steady companionship. Perhaps you blend Ludus playfulness with Pragma’s practicality, or you ride Mania’s waves while aspiring to Agape’s selflessness. I’ve found that my love style has evolved—early in my relationship, I was all Eros, but now I lean toward Storge, with a touch of Agape’s care. Your style might shift, too, shaped by experiences and growth.
Understanding your love style can deepen your connections. If you’re an Eros lover, plan a romantic evening to keep the spark alive. If Storge’s your thing, carve out quality time with your partner or friends. Here are a few ways to embrace your style:
- Reflect on your heart. Think about what makes you feel loved and how you show love. Journal or talk with someone close to clarify your style.
- Share with your partner. Discuss your love styles together—it can spark understanding and help you meet each other’s needs.
- Embrace growth. If your style feels limiting (like Mania’s intensity), explore small ways to incorporate others, like Agape’s generosity.
- Celebrate all love. Your style isn’t just for romance—apply it to friends, family, or yourself to nurture all your connections.
A Love That Grows with You
Love is a journey, not a destination, and your love style is a guide, not a rule. I’ve learned that love’s magic lies in its evolution—from the dizzying rush of new romance to the warm, steady glow of companionship. Whatever your style, it’s a reflection of your unique heart, capable of growing and deepening with time. So, take a moment this Valentine’s Day to honor your love style. What makes your heart sing? How can you share that love with others—or with yourself? Here’s to loving in a way that’s true to you, building connections that light up your life.
